"...instead of screaming, I ran."

“I had to do something to shake up my life and get back some sense of control and trust in the world and along the way fill the hollow space. I needed to rebel against these negative forces, to scream so loud and for so long that the anger living inside me would evacuate forever. But instead of screaming, I ran.”  

 - Gail Kislevitz, First Marathons

Yesterday morning a friend sent this quote to me and said it reminder her of me and how I’ve talked about how running came into my life at the perfect time. It’s not that I think God wanted my marriage to end but I do think God knows how to line your life up perfectly and give you exactly what you need.

• January 2011 I wasn’t a runner, I was overweight, and out of shape and a shell of the strong girl I once was. 
• January 2012 I had started running just a couple months before, at nearly the end of my 85lb weight loss. I started finding strength - mental and physical - that I forgot existed within. I started remembering what happiness really felt like. 
• January 2013 my world came crashing down… but the prior years had prepared me to withstand. I had gained mental strength from running and found an outlet for all that haunted me – the pain, the anger, the confusion – I ran it out. I had built my support system with a base of long-time friends and a few key new friends whose friendships were perfectly timed.

Do you need to shake up your life? Do you need to rebel against the negative forces? Go for a run. Take a cross fit class. Join the gym. Fitness is an amazing outlet for life. It saved me.

One of my favorite places to run. This route clears my mind. 

Travel Healthy (or “healthier”)

As I mentioned, I recently went to California. Traveling, especially in airports, can often wreck your healthy eating. Although I definitely indulged in some excellent food (prosciutto wrapped seared tuna, Chilean see bass, lobster mac and cheese, escargot… not to mention fabulous drinks) I didn’t waste splurges on greasy airport burgers or inflight snacks. Here are some of my healthy travel tips.

1.  Pack an empty water bottle. I have been using an Aladdin bottle that opens with a click button only when you have your finger pressed on it and then seals shut (fantastic). If you’re like me and the taste of different water bother you (or you get bored with water) pack propel zero packets (or crystal light or any other drink flavor). Although it’s not as great as naturally fruit infused water, it’s all about the small things that can help while traveling. I didn’t have to spend lots of money on airport waters and I was able to stay hydrated.
2.  Pack food. Believe it or not, they don’t care if you pack food in your carry on. I packed dried crasins, a couple apples, some granola bars and a few other healthy snacks. I knew part of my trip would be in a hotel and it’s hard to come by fresh fruit (at non-ridiculous prices) in a hotel. An apple is also a great mid flight, healthy snack.
3. Choose wisely. When I was stuck in the airport for supper (airport delays) I needed a healthy choice so I grabbed a subway salad (and filled my water bottle up from their machine) and a Chobani greek yogurt. You can also easily find whole fruit (apples, bananas) or fresh fruit cups (in airports) to grab for your bag for the flight (just be prepared it’s more expensive than packing your own whole fruit).

When traveling, don’t forget to pack your normal vitamins and anything you take daily, along with some airborne or vitamin C (airplanes are a germ pool!). What are your healthy travel tips?  

Looking Back and Forward...

I wrote this post on the plane yesterday but didn't have time to post when I was dealing with the snowstorm last night... 

Looking back on the last year of my life is a crazy thing. A year ago I was flying home from California to heart breaking pain, a broken home, a mess... and a path that would soon unravel like a bad Lifetime movie. The day following my return would begin the first of many times my (now ex) husband would return and send my life spinning in yet another tailspin. I was living in a fog, life was a blur of tears and hurt.

This year I'm flying back from California to a different life. The weight of the world I carried last year is a memory. This year I found myself sipping cocktails and considering a life in sunny California. Or maybe the Carolinas? How about TX?... I found myself meeting new people, laughing and smiling from somewhere so deep within that I nearly forgot that depth of happiness existed. Found myself being amazed by the fantastic friends I have at home, and the offers to help make sure I return safely (in the impending snow storm). Simply in awe of how far life has brought me in the last year. And in awe of all the opportunities that the future holds. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff, ready to jump and just try flying...

Do I struggle ever? Cry out in pain and hurt? Yep, I do. I bet I will have times like that for the rest of my life. Because this will not be the last tragedy in my life. More will come. That is life. What happens isn't nearly as important as how you recover from it.

By The Grace of God...

"Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free"

I've been listening to this song on repeat the last few days. I discovered it at the exact moment I needed it... this week brings the One Year Anniversary of the day my entire life changed. 

The truth about that time? I thought my world was ending... I watched the life we had built crumble around me... I spent my fair share of nights laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing... I can't count the number of times I called my mom or one of my amazing friends, unable to speak, just crying... I snuggled my pups and prayed hard, for God's will... I hated myself some days... I hated others some days... I wanted it all to just be over... I just knew I couldn't survive it.

But I held on... somehow. And I ran through it... It saved my life. 

And a lot of amazing people gave me the encouragement I needed.

I didn't try to put the pieces back together, one day I just took one piece and decided to start a new puzzle. It's still a work in progress... there's still some days I cry in pain, but the difference is, I know I will be okay... it will be okay.

I picked myself back up, because I knew I had to stay... 

I forgave. I realized my blessings. I learned my lessons. I became a better person. 

Always, decide to stay. Don't let love or anything else take you out. <3

xoxo

2013: I'm Still Standing.

I started 2013 like this...

The only thing I still have in my life from these photos is that watch... that girl, she doesn't even exist anymore, she's a different person completely.

Let me show you what got me through this year, alive & still standing...

And so many more...

Endlessly thankful for amazing friends and family. Always.

Running for My Soul

A couple days after the marathon I ran a couple easy short runs. My body felt great and I was already planning my next marathon (November 30th). Six days after the marathon I went on a 10 mile run that ended with me limping back to the car at the end of 10 miles. My right arch was killing me. I took it easy that day and the next day I headed out for an easy 4 miles... nearly two miles in I realized I would never make it and I limped crying back to the car.

I rested for days but no improvement and I ended up with a Podiatrist who diagnosed me as I expected... Plantar Fasciitis (in both feet). I have spent the last month (longest month of my life) not running. I swam miles and miles, I've lifted, I've done ab workouts... but no running. I run for my sanity. I run for my soul. It works out my stress, my frustrations, my problems... I run long distance to leave all of my thoughts & pain on the road. Not being able to run for a month = an emotional roller coaster for me.

Last week I was cleared to start a few very short runs a week. That first run had me running down the side of the road with the biggest smile on my face. People in cars must have thought I was crazy.

I posted this picture on facebook with the caption "Running Shoes Make Me Happy" -- so true!

Well today, I'm positive everyone thought I was nuts. In the middle of a wintery mix of sleet/snow/ice I went out for an afternoon run (Plantar Fasciitis is worse in the mornings). This is my all-time favorite weather to run in thanks to an awesome gift last Christmas. Today I got dressed for the cold weather and went exploring (since no one would be around to call the cops get upset). This run was exactly what I needed. I felt refreshed, I felt renewed and I didn't want to stop (I did make myself after an extra mile). This was the exact run I needed for my soul....

All bundled up for my run

The Piano I found in a field on my run today...

Gorgeous piano in the middle of a field

A Long Overdue Update... 26.2 Miles

"The person who starts the marathon is not the same person who finishes the marathon." 

 26.2 Miles.

Those miles changed my life.

The training, my training partners, my supporters… it all changed me.

It’s no secret that when I registered for the Marine Corps Marathon I was in the midst of the biggest struggle of my life. Running (and everything it gave me) kept me going. There were many days the only reason I got out of bed was to meet my training partners for our morning run - it was accountability for me. If I didn’t show up, there would be texts, questions, concerns.

In the weeks before the race I began to mentally struggle with whether or not I could do it. Could I really run 26.2 miles? Finally I remembered all I had been through. I remembered running through tears & heart breaking pain and all the people that never let me quit. These people had picked me up when I was down and carried me on. The amazing people in my life had brought me this far and I couldn’t let them down.

I also realized that this year, the pain, the challenges, the heartbreak... it changed me for the better. It broke me into pieces, only to rebuild me into something better. Out of the most painful experience in my life I was given a new world full of so many blessings, I cannot begin to express them all. Crossing the finish line of those 26.2 miles was more than just a finish line for the marathon. It was a finish line for the past, I left things on the course I needed to forget and I then crossed the start line of a new world for me. 

In the most perfect timing ever, "Good in Goodbye" came on just as I crossed the finish line. 

"As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye"

Pre-Race

Kuhlmann & I Post Race in the Beer Garden

Patty, Stacey & I Post Race

26.2 Miles Later!

P.S. - I had the most AMAZING marathon experience - better than I could have ever imagined! I am so blessed and thankful for a GREAT race day.

Life Goes On..

 Sometimes it’s hard to slow down and take time to write. So I’m going to do my best to recap life a little bit.

• I PR’ed (barely) at Virginia Beach Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon – 1:55:45. The heat and humidity were awful but some highlights of the race were:
• My parents & nephews cheering with signs at Mile 6
• The freezer pops that people decided to hand out around mile 11 on the course (amazing)
• The girl holding the sign at mile 12 that said “Run like you’re racing your EX’s new lover” – I laughed at this and it carried me through the last mile of the race.
• I found a place to live! I moved into my own place the first of September. The condo is great and for the first time in my life I have a garage (it’s amazing!).  I feel very much at home already and it’s nearly the same size as my old house was, so that has helped make the transition even better. My other favorite perks are: the huge master closet and the two back patios (one off the main floor, one off the second floor).
• Marathon training has continued and we have completed a 17-mile, a 19-mile and a 20-mile run. My favorite is still the 19-mile run…bloody shoe and all.
• I had my first visitors! Maddi and her boyfriend Gunner came to visit! We had time to enjoy the new patio furniture I bought, went rafting down the Shenandoah River, went to a local winery event and more. I loved having my first visitors and we had a blast enjoying “the mountains” as Maddi likes to say. I love being the hostess, so please come visit!
• I’m officially divorced. It was a bittersweet moment but the best response to this news so far has been when a friend said: “you can now dance to single ladies again.” Even if it is my adjusted version, “If you like then you should’ve KEPT a ring on it.”

Life has truly gone on. And I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing life full of the most fantastic people in the world. I am now beyond constant pain and grief and instead I can just be extremely grateful for the person this experience has made me into. I could never have imagined handling it all like I did and I’m so thankful I somehow managed to (by the grace of God). I am far from perfect, so I have things I wish I could’ve changed in my marriage but it is a blessing to look back on the last 8 months without being consumed with feelings of “what if”, embarrassment or regret. Instead I remember heartbreak, amazing friendships, struggles, perseverance and unconditional, endless love. Those things taught me amazing lifelong lessons. Here’s to the next book in life... 

xoxo

Marathon Training

So I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I signed up for my first full marathon (eeek) in the midst of the hardest battle I’ve ever had to face in my twenty-six years of life.

Dumb? I say no. I say it was the greatest thing to do because two things have kept me going through the last 6 months: amazing family&friends and running.

On Monday I received a weekly “RUNspiration” email, the quote said –

“Running is a gift. It allows you to realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.”

I immediately forwarded it to one of my running buddies and said to her – “how true, and I don’t mean physically.”

Running is a gift that allows you to realize you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be MENTALLY. You are tougher than you could ever believe.

God lined up my life perfectly for the battle I had to face. He made sure I had courage, strength, faith (in myself & him) and amazing people before I went through this battle. Facing this battle just a couple years ago, when I had lost my confidence, faith and self-worth, would have been completely different than facing it now. 

Does that mean it’s been easy? Hell. No. I had really, really dark days but I cannot imagine facing them without the inner strength and courage I've gained

Training isn’t easy; I just said this week that marathon training is wearing on me. I’m tired, I’m worn down… but I won’t give up. This battle to 26.2 is about more than just running and miles. It’s about inner strength, it’s about determination and it’s about never giving up on myself. Here’s to praying that on October 27^th I can stand at the finish line and officially put two long battles behind me: one that I chose and one that I was forced to face.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn