"...instead of screaming, I ran."

“I had to do something to shake up my life and get back some sense of control and trust in the world and along the way fill the hollow space. I needed to rebel against these negative forces, to scream so loud and for so long that the anger living inside me would evacuate forever. But instead of screaming, I ran.”  

 - Gail Kislevitz, First Marathons

Yesterday morning a friend sent this quote to me and said it reminder her of me and how I’ve talked about how running came into my life at the perfect time. It’s not that I think God wanted my marriage to end but I do think God knows how to line your life up perfectly and give you exactly what you need.

• January 2011 I wasn’t a runner, I was overweight, and out of shape and a shell of the strong girl I once was. 
• January 2012 I had started running just a couple months before, at nearly the end of my 85lb weight loss. I started finding strength - mental and physical - that I forgot existed within. I started remembering what happiness really felt like. 
• January 2013 my world came crashing down… but the prior years had prepared me to withstand. I had gained mental strength from running and found an outlet for all that haunted me – the pain, the anger, the confusion – I ran it out. I had built my support system with a base of long-time friends and a few key new friends whose friendships were perfectly timed.

Do you need to shake up your life? Do you need to rebel against the negative forces? Go for a run. Take a cross fit class. Join the gym. Fitness is an amazing outlet for life. It saved me.

One of my favorite places to run. This route clears my mind. 

Running for My Soul

A couple days after the marathon I ran a couple easy short runs. My body felt great and I was already planning my next marathon (November 30th). Six days after the marathon I went on a 10 mile run that ended with me limping back to the car at the end of 10 miles. My right arch was killing me. I took it easy that day and the next day I headed out for an easy 4 miles... nearly two miles in I realized I would never make it and I limped crying back to the car.

I rested for days but no improvement and I ended up with a Podiatrist who diagnosed me as I expected... Plantar Fasciitis (in both feet). I have spent the last month (longest month of my life) not running. I swam miles and miles, I've lifted, I've done ab workouts... but no running. I run for my sanity. I run for my soul. It works out my stress, my frustrations, my problems... I run long distance to leave all of my thoughts & pain on the road. Not being able to run for a month = an emotional roller coaster for me.

Last week I was cleared to start a few very short runs a week. That first run had me running down the side of the road with the biggest smile on my face. People in cars must have thought I was crazy.

I posted this picture on facebook with the caption "Running Shoes Make Me Happy" -- so true!

Well today, I'm positive everyone thought I was nuts. In the middle of a wintery mix of sleet/snow/ice I went out for an afternoon run (Plantar Fasciitis is worse in the mornings). This is my all-time favorite weather to run in thanks to an awesome gift last Christmas. Today I got dressed for the cold weather and went exploring (since no one would be around to call the cops get upset). This run was exactly what I needed. I felt refreshed, I felt renewed and I didn't want to stop (I did make myself after an extra mile). This was the exact run I needed for my soul....

All bundled up for my run

The Piano I found in a field on my run today...

Gorgeous piano in the middle of a field

A Long Overdue Update... 26.2 Miles

"The person who starts the marathon is not the same person who finishes the marathon." 

 26.2 Miles.

Those miles changed my life.

The training, my training partners, my supporters… it all changed me.

It’s no secret that when I registered for the Marine Corps Marathon I was in the midst of the biggest struggle of my life. Running (and everything it gave me) kept me going. There were many days the only reason I got out of bed was to meet my training partners for our morning run - it was accountability for me. If I didn’t show up, there would be texts, questions, concerns.

In the weeks before the race I began to mentally struggle with whether or not I could do it. Could I really run 26.2 miles? Finally I remembered all I had been through. I remembered running through tears & heart breaking pain and all the people that never let me quit. These people had picked me up when I was down and carried me on. The amazing people in my life had brought me this far and I couldn’t let them down.

I also realized that this year, the pain, the challenges, the heartbreak... it changed me for the better. It broke me into pieces, only to rebuild me into something better. Out of the most painful experience in my life I was given a new world full of so many blessings, I cannot begin to express them all. Crossing the finish line of those 26.2 miles was more than just a finish line for the marathon. It was a finish line for the past, I left things on the course I needed to forget and I then crossed the start line of a new world for me. 

In the most perfect timing ever, "Good in Goodbye" came on just as I crossed the finish line. 

"As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye"

Pre-Race

Kuhlmann & I Post Race in the Beer Garden

Patty, Stacey & I Post Race

26.2 Miles Later!

P.S. - I had the most AMAZING marathon experience - better than I could have ever imagined! I am so blessed and thankful for a GREAT race day.

Life Goes On..

 Sometimes it’s hard to slow down and take time to write. So I’m going to do my best to recap life a little bit.

• I PR’ed (barely) at Virginia Beach Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon – 1:55:45. The heat and humidity were awful but some highlights of the race were:
• My parents & nephews cheering with signs at Mile 6
• The freezer pops that people decided to hand out around mile 11 on the course (amazing)
• The girl holding the sign at mile 12 that said “Run like you’re racing your EX’s new lover” – I laughed at this and it carried me through the last mile of the race.
• I found a place to live! I moved into my own place the first of September. The condo is great and for the first time in my life I have a garage (it’s amazing!).  I feel very much at home already and it’s nearly the same size as my old house was, so that has helped make the transition even better. My other favorite perks are: the huge master closet and the two back patios (one off the main floor, one off the second floor).
• Marathon training has continued and we have completed a 17-mile, a 19-mile and a 20-mile run. My favorite is still the 19-mile run…bloody shoe and all.
• I had my first visitors! Maddi and her boyfriend Gunner came to visit! We had time to enjoy the new patio furniture I bought, went rafting down the Shenandoah River, went to a local winery event and more. I loved having my first visitors and we had a blast enjoying “the mountains” as Maddi likes to say. I love being the hostess, so please come visit!
• I’m officially divorced. It was a bittersweet moment but the best response to this news so far has been when a friend said: “you can now dance to single ladies again.” Even if it is my adjusted version, “If you like then you should’ve KEPT a ring on it.”

Life has truly gone on. And I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing life full of the most fantastic people in the world. I am now beyond constant pain and grief and instead I can just be extremely grateful for the person this experience has made me into. I could never have imagined handling it all like I did and I’m so thankful I somehow managed to (by the grace of God). I am far from perfect, so I have things I wish I could’ve changed in my marriage but it is a blessing to look back on the last 8 months without being consumed with feelings of “what if”, embarrassment or regret. Instead I remember heartbreak, amazing friendships, struggles, perseverance and unconditional, endless love. Those things taught me amazing lifelong lessons. Here’s to the next book in life... 

xoxo

Marathon Training

So I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I signed up for my first full marathon (eeek) in the midst of the hardest battle I’ve ever had to face in my twenty-six years of life.

Dumb? I say no. I say it was the greatest thing to do because two things have kept me going through the last 6 months: amazing family&friends and running.

On Monday I received a weekly “RUNspiration” email, the quote said –

“Running is a gift. It allows you to realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.”

I immediately forwarded it to one of my running buddies and said to her – “how true, and I don’t mean physically.”

Running is a gift that allows you to realize you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be MENTALLY. You are tougher than you could ever believe.

God lined up my life perfectly for the battle I had to face. He made sure I had courage, strength, faith (in myself & him) and amazing people before I went through this battle. Facing this battle just a couple years ago, when I had lost my confidence, faith and self-worth, would have been completely different than facing it now. 

Does that mean it’s been easy? Hell. No. I had really, really dark days but I cannot imagine facing them without the inner strength and courage I've gained

Training isn’t easy; I just said this week that marathon training is wearing on me. I’m tired, I’m worn down… but I won’t give up. This battle to 26.2 is about more than just running and miles. It’s about inner strength, it’s about determination and it’s about never giving up on myself. Here’s to praying that on October 27^th I can stand at the finish line and officially put two long battles behind me: one that I chose and one that I was forced to face.

A Post from the Past

I found this blog I drafted back in February and never posted. It’s raw & honest and very true to the pain I’ve felt over the last 4 months…

From February:

“True Strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart.”  – Unknown 

Running has been my solace over the last 4 weeks. Yoga – where you’re forced to stop and be still – has been my arch nemesis. I’ve struggled day in and day out but I’ve still laced up my running shoes and pounded the pavement. I’ve cried through runs, struggled to breathe and fought to finish but I have kept going. Those hard runs have been just like my life these last 4 weeks…. Painful. A struggle. A fight to make it through. There have been many times I just want to quit, wave the white flag and retreat to a hiding place. I’m still trying to battle my way through life everyday… hoping that the battle one day ends and I’m back to a place I can call “normal”.. a new normal, but a normal none-the-less. 

A big thank you to everyone who has lent their shield or their sword to help me make it through the battle that is my life right now. I will never forget the strength I have been given from others to get up and keep going every day. 

Hello.. Summer?

It seems we skipped spring completely and went directly to summer. My weather app said 63 degrees this AM at 5 o'clock in the morning. WHAT?! I checked a different app just to be sure!

I didn't want to stop running this morning because for once I was running in a TANK TOP! So 6 miles turned into 8. Then I had to wear a new sundress to work because it was just too pretty not to!

I'm going to start hating how much I'm sweating but this morning, I enjoyed every second.

Bittersweet Happiness in DC

On March 16th I ran DC Rock 'n' Roll... even though I didn't want to... not one bit.

I didn't want to drive to DC. I didn't want to take the metro (for the first time ever). I didn't want to run Rock 'n' Roll. I didn't want to deal with the crappy weather (it was supposed to rain).

But I sucked it up and I did it. And guess what? I don't regret that decision one bit.

I took a half day on Friday and I met up with Maddi and her little from college (GO DUKES!) to hit the expo. It was also my dry-run (first time ever) riding the metro... I'm such a country bumpkin!

Maddi also gave me the coolest shirt ever (she's amazing)...

Yep. I absolutely love it.

Then, I headed to stay with my BFF from college (GO DUKES!) after not seeing her for FIVE YEARS. I needed days to catch up with her, but only had the night. She was amazing and treated me like royalty (best host ever!)... she even gave me HER BED!

Just the start of the amazing spread of food

Pre-Race Hydration - CHAMPAGNE! 

The next morning she even got up at 4:15am to see me off (MOST AMAZING HOST EVER!). 

Pre-Race

I met Maddi and her little pre-race and hung out (freezing) until the start. Then we were off to our different corrals and I was on my own. 

I ended up running with the pacers for the marathon (the half pacer was not running a steady pace) - my goal was to run a sub 2 hour half. I spent the first 10 miles running along with them, feeling pretty good (except for one killer hill). At 10 miles I decided to kick it in and run the next 3 miles a little harder. Mile 13 was my best mile at 7:45/average! 

I spent the entire week before and all 13.1 miles saying - if I get a sub two hour I'll be on cloud nine. I will be so happy, I will have achieved a huge goal. 

When I crossed the finish line at 1:56:28 I didn't feel any of those things. I had achieved my goal, I had come to a race I didn't feel like running and I had conquered it... but I didn't feel on cloud nine. I collected my medal, waited in line for my bag and then headed for the metro. Then I started crying. 

Yep, walking to the metro, runners and people all around, I started crying. 

It's not that I wasn't proud or happy with my time, I really was... I just couldn't fully enjoy the moment because of everything I was struggling with. It was another realization point in my "new" life. 

Post-Race Pre-Crying

I struggled with being okay with the feelings I had after the race and I eventually realized it's OK. It's okay that happy times can't be completely happy yet. I remember after Ang died it was that way, happy times weren't completely happy because something was missing/we were broken. I've felt a lot of the same pains and struggles of grief as I did when Ang died but at the end of the day I can sleep better knowing that although I lost someone I love, that person does still get to walk this earth and live life. For that, I can be thankful. I can be thankful that this loss I suffered was a personal loss not a loss for the entire world. 

Letting Go of the Familiar

It’s taken me months to sit down and write this blog. I didn't know how to write another blog post about running or my life adventures until I could first acknowledge the new path my life has taken. I’m still not sure I can, but this is me trying...

My husband left me. 

That’s not the whole story, that doesn't even begin to explain what has happened or the roller coaster I've been on, but it does state the obvious fact that my life has taken a new direction. It took me nearly two months to really accept the choices he has made (although I don’t agree with them) and start moving forward with my own life.

Last week I signed up for my first full marathon – in the midst of my life crisis, I must be crazy right? Well this marathon sign-up has been long planned and I couldn't let go of my dreams. I fought for an hour to get into the Marine Corps Marathon – along with my running buddy Patty. It was a big deal to get that confirmation screen (finally! That registration was a mess.) and realize I had just signed up for my first full marathon, despite my heart being broken and my life being in shambles.

I could not have survived the last 71 days without my family and friends. There are absolutely no words for how incredibly blessed I am. I have had more people surrounding me & supporting me than anyone could ever ask for. I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve. I am thankful to have such amazing supporters in my life every day.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”  -Raymond Lindquist

That is exactly what I am trying to do now. Letting go of the familiar (and comfortable) and starting a new journey in life. And I’ll be right here, blogging about my so called grown up life (the good and the bad). 

xoxo

-a.

I've Been Hiding a Secret...

In 2013 I'm going to attempt 26.2 miles.

I can't believe I am making this goal official! I hope to run Marine Corps Marathon, but either way I want to run 26.2 miles in 2013!

Crossing my fingers to stay healthy and find a way to double my longest run!
xoxo
-a

Starting Out The New Year!

The day started with me deciding I should dress a little more "fun" for my run! 

We had fun saying "Happy New Year" to everyone we saw.

Then Patty & I rocked out a killer (for me) run! 

Then I rewarded myself with my favorite...

My latest tea obsession is Vanilla Rooibos! 

Let's go 2013! Back to work tomorrow after almost 2 weeks off. 

Tomorrow will be my 2 Year Anniversary at my job too! 

Blessed <3

xoxo

Time to Shelve 2012

The last year of my life has flown by. 

I could never have expected how much fun 2012 could be...

I ran my first 5K, first 10K, First Mini-Mudder, First 10 miler & First Half Marathon...then I ran a few more!

I've successfully maintained an 85lb weight loss for a full year... even tho I still eat way too many sweets (I'm a work in progress!). 


2012 also brought a few new friendships that I couldn't imagine living without! 

A few of our amazing friends had awesome babies (that I’ve enjoyed cuddling & spoiling). 

I am so thankful and blessed!

Here's to 2013...

Schedule {so far} for 2013:

• February 17th Rock 'n' Roll Pasadena 
• March 16th Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon Washington D.C. 
• April 28th Nike Women's Half Marathon Washington D.C.
• September 1st Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon VA Beach

Snow Running

Right before Christmas my running friend Kuhlmann gave me one of the best Christmas gifts: Yaktrax Pro - traction for my running shoes for running in the snow. I had just read an article with tips for running in the snow & the article suggested either trail shoes or running traction. After giving me the awesome gift, he laughed and said I'd probably not even need them.... jinx!

I'm glad he jinxed us because I wanted a little snow (although it's already calling for more for this weekend). I had two runs this week with the traction (a 6 miler and a 8 miler) and LOVED the added traction in the snow and ice. I miraculously didn't fall, which is surprising because I often fall without snow and ice.

Yaktrax Pro on my Brooks Tennis Shoes (drying over the heat vent)

Life Changed.

My life changed when I lost the weight.

Coming to terms with it all has been hard. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but this hasn't been easy.

I'm still not "skinny" and my body has lots of flaws, but it's mine and I have and still do work hard for it. I love that it takes me running for miles or hiking with friends. I'm not perfect but my life has changed. And for that, I'm so thankful!

Before

After

Surf 'n Santa 10 Miler

Last weekend I ran the Surf 'n Santa 10 Miler in VA Beach with Maddi (we ran my first half marathon together in VA Beach in September). We had a blast running this fun run in costume!

We were dressed as Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch of course! We made our tutus, so fun & easy!

With Maddi's friend Gina

After the race Maddi made sure we had an amazing weekend of fun in VA Beach! 

Relaxing at the Beach

Ice Skating for the First Time Ever!

Phone in Tarje!

Saturday (October 27) was my 1 year run anniversary.

I lost the first half of my weight by walking, at a very fast pace & high incline on my treadmill.

On October 27, 2011 while at the beach with friends I mentioned that my goal for that year (2011) was to lose the weight, the next year (2012) I’d focus on trying to run a 5K. My friend went out running and pushed me to complete a 5K run… and I did it. Thanks to her push even when I felt like dying, I made it through.

At that time although I had accomplished a 5K run, I was still just running to lose the weight. I started running 4 miles 5-6X a week. Once I lost the weight (December 2011) I started running to maintain the weight loss (a couple miles 5-6X a week). Then, that same friend came home for a visit and we went for a 4 mile run, I hadn’t tackled 4 miles in a few months but I was surprised how I still could. She was preparing to run another half marathon, and it inspired me.

A couple months later I ran my first 5K race. Then I ran a 10K a couple months later. Then, a couple months after the 10K, I completed my first half marathon. I don’t have to run to lose weight now. I run because it gave me my life back. No, correction, It gave me a life I never knew I could have. It reminded me I was strong, and nothing is impossible. It reminded me to dream again and not to accept less than the best.

1 year ago I ran 3.1 miles for the first time ever on Virginia Trail in the Outer Banks. On vacation in the OBX this past September I ran 4-6 miles almost every day. What a difference one year makes. 

October 25, 2012 - Out before a concert in Roanoke, VA

Still Giddy...

Whenever someone asks me how Baltimore went, I'm STILL giddy with excitement! I LOVED the race and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to love one as much as that one! I really want to run Baltimore again next year. I'll be watching out for sign ups!

11 Miles w/ a 5K PR

I signed up for a charity 5K (The MaDee Project) with my running buddy Patty. I kind of wanted to race it and try to PR over my first (and only) 5K back in May (I don't count Color Me Rad because it's not timed).

I knew it would be challenging to try to race it to PR since my first 5K was an 8:45 average and I generally run 9-9:30. Patty explained the route was hilly and we may just be better off to build it into a long run. I agreed and we made a plan to run to the 5K from the park, run the 5K and then run back to the park.

Friday night I realized I didn't calculate the entrance to the museum grounds where the 5K was being held, that would add almost 2 more miles, making it 11 miles. I also realized it was going to be a hilly 11 miles. I got scared and texted Patty. She convinced me it'd be OK (because we'd have some rests built into our run).

I didn't "fuel" well the night before either... I had crabcakes with some spicy sauce at a new Mediterranean restaurant. So I texted my other running buddy Kuhlmann (who I went to Baltimore with) and he basically said "you ran 13 miles last weekend, you'll be fine." I'm convinced I could tell him I'm running 20 miles tomorrow and he'd say "you can do it/you'll be fine."

I often let my mental game get in the way. Thank goodness for my running buddies because they always convince me I can do things.

 Saturday morning came and Patty & I started out at the park. We ran 3 miles to Sheetz, bought a drink and headed towards the museum. As soon as we hit the entrance we realized there were no street lights on the mile entrance to the museum... YIKES. I didn't wear my hat light because I knew it'd be daylight after the first 4 miles. Luckily, I had my cell phone in my spi-belt for emergencies (we went sans-music), so I turned on my flashlight app and we kept going. We were definitely lucky, that would not have been a fun mile with absolutely no light.

We had picked our bibs up the day before so we were ready to go for the race. We spent the half hour stretching, hydrating and chatting with other runners/walkers. I hadn't planned to wear my long sleeve pullover (Lululemon Star Runner Pullover in Purple) but I am so glad I did... it was cold!

We started out at the front of the line (wow! never done that before) and took off. We took off pretty fast but reeled it in a bit. We were still going fast but it felt good. There was a girl in pink (part of the "Rack Pack" for breast cancer) that was in front of us the entire first loop (race was 2 loops for 5K). At the start of the second loop I said "I want to pass her!" - probably a bit too loud (sorry!!) - but I meant it in the nicest way possible. She had been keeping me going and was pulling away. I suddenly decided I might not pass her but I wanted to keep her in sight. We sped up trying to stay with her and the run started to hurt.

I found out later she had heard me, but was VERY sweet! When we caught up to her running she told us we were doing great (as was she!) and encouraged us. Patty had more to give so I told her to GO. For the rest of the run I had Patty up ahead "pulling" me on and Awesome-Rack-Pack-Runner right on my heels pushing me forward. I would not have ran that fast if not for them... I yelled at one point "THIS IS NOT MY HAPPY PACE."

It was a hilly 5K with pavement, grass and gravel. I was so HAPPY to see the finish (although it did go by very fast!). And as I crossed the finished the timing guy said "26:17" and I was so excited that I had a new PR!!

I chugged water, ate an apple, relaxed a bit and thanked Rack Pack Runner for being my "rabbit" (her term that I love!). Then we hit the road for the 4 miles home. It was a bit hilly at first and I was so thankful for a long downhill. We kept up a really good pace and ended with a nice average pace for the day! It wasn't the same as a straight 11 mile run but I know I ran my heart out, especially during the 5K!!

Thanks to Patty I achieved a new PR AND had a heck of a long run!

Hot Pink Compression Sleeves in the Background