Looking Back and Forward...

I wrote this post on the plane yesterday but didn't have time to post when I was dealing with the snowstorm last night... 

Looking back on the last year of my life is a crazy thing. A year ago I was flying home from California to heart breaking pain, a broken home, a mess... and a path that would soon unravel like a bad Lifetime movie. The day following my return would begin the first of many times my (now ex) husband would return and send my life spinning in yet another tailspin. I was living in a fog, life was a blur of tears and hurt.

This year I'm flying back from California to a different life. The weight of the world I carried last year is a memory. This year I found myself sipping cocktails and considering a life in sunny California. Or maybe the Carolinas? How about TX?... I found myself meeting new people, laughing and smiling from somewhere so deep within that I nearly forgot that depth of happiness existed. Found myself being amazed by the fantastic friends I have at home, and the offers to help make sure I return safely (in the impending snow storm). Simply in awe of how far life has brought me in the last year. And in awe of all the opportunities that the future holds. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff, ready to jump and just try flying...

Do I struggle ever? Cry out in pain and hurt? Yep, I do. I bet I will have times like that for the rest of my life. Because this will not be the last tragedy in my life. More will come. That is life. What happens isn't nearly as important as how you recover from it.

Marathon Training

So I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I signed up for my first full marathon (eeek) in the midst of the hardest battle I’ve ever had to face in my twenty-six years of life.

Dumb? I say no. I say it was the greatest thing to do because two things have kept me going through the last 6 months: amazing family&friends and running.

On Monday I received a weekly “RUNspiration” email, the quote said –

“Running is a gift. It allows you to realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.”

I immediately forwarded it to one of my running buddies and said to her – “how true, and I don’t mean physically.”

Running is a gift that allows you to realize you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be MENTALLY. You are tougher than you could ever believe.

God lined up my life perfectly for the battle I had to face. He made sure I had courage, strength, faith (in myself & him) and amazing people before I went through this battle. Facing this battle just a couple years ago, when I had lost my confidence, faith and self-worth, would have been completely different than facing it now. 

Does that mean it’s been easy? Hell. No. I had really, really dark days but I cannot imagine facing them without the inner strength and courage I've gained

Training isn’t easy; I just said this week that marathon training is wearing on me. I’m tired, I’m worn down… but I won’t give up. This battle to 26.2 is about more than just running and miles. It’s about inner strength, it’s about determination and it’s about never giving up on myself. Here’s to praying that on October 27^th I can stand at the finish line and officially put two long battles behind me: one that I chose and one that I was forced to face.

Leaving My {Old} Life Behind

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my home...

The house I bought with Andy just three years ago. I talked about us putting an offer on it here, the home inspection here, getting approved here, preparing for the closing here and the day we bought it here. It was a huge moment in our lives.

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my "kids"...

The hardest consequence of Andy's decision to leave was what to do with our dogs. I still can't stop crying about this. We got Parker the first year we were dating and when Parker needed a companion, we got Allie. Their faces are all over my blog and my Facebook, I have hundreds of photos of them and our adventures. They're the most amazing dogs in the world. The hard part was when I realized that if I were to take them they’d have to live in an apartment with no yard, spending their time in a crate whenever I was at work or out… that was just too much. I couldn’t punish them for choices made beyond their (and my own) control. In the end I decided to give them to Andy so the pups could have the yard, the house and the space they’ve grown accustomed to. It breaks my heart... I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it.

But somehow, I will find a way. 

I’ll find a way to leave behind the house we made our home, the dogs I called my kids and the husband that I love so deeply…

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

A Post from the Past

I found this blog I drafted back in February and never posted. It’s raw & honest and very true to the pain I’ve felt over the last 4 months…

From February:

“True Strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart.”  – Unknown 

Running has been my solace over the last 4 weeks. Yoga – where you’re forced to stop and be still – has been my arch nemesis. I’ve struggled day in and day out but I’ve still laced up my running shoes and pounded the pavement. I’ve cried through runs, struggled to breathe and fought to finish but I have kept going. Those hard runs have been just like my life these last 4 weeks…. Painful. A struggle. A fight to make it through. There have been many times I just want to quit, wave the white flag and retreat to a hiding place. I’m still trying to battle my way through life everyday… hoping that the battle one day ends and I’m back to a place I can call “normal”.. a new normal, but a normal none-the-less. 

A big thank you to everyone who has lent their shield or their sword to help me make it through the battle that is my life right now. I will never forget the strength I have been given from others to get up and keep going every day. 

Letting Go of the Familiar

It’s taken me months to sit down and write this blog. I didn't know how to write another blog post about running or my life adventures until I could first acknowledge the new path my life has taken. I’m still not sure I can, but this is me trying...

My husband left me. 

That’s not the whole story, that doesn't even begin to explain what has happened or the roller coaster I've been on, but it does state the obvious fact that my life has taken a new direction. It took me nearly two months to really accept the choices he has made (although I don’t agree with them) and start moving forward with my own life.

Last week I signed up for my first full marathon – in the midst of my life crisis, I must be crazy right? Well this marathon sign-up has been long planned and I couldn't let go of my dreams. I fought for an hour to get into the Marine Corps Marathon – along with my running buddy Patty. It was a big deal to get that confirmation screen (finally! That registration was a mess.) and realize I had just signed up for my first full marathon, despite my heart being broken and my life being in shambles.

I could not have survived the last 71 days without my family and friends. There are absolutely no words for how incredibly blessed I am. I have had more people surrounding me & supporting me than anyone could ever ask for. I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve. I am thankful to have such amazing supporters in my life every day.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”  -Raymond Lindquist

That is exactly what I am trying to do now. Letting go of the familiar (and comfortable) and starting a new journey in life. And I’ll be right here, blogging about my so called grown up life (the good and the bad). 

xoxo

-a.