Looking Back and Forward...

I wrote this post on the plane yesterday but didn't have time to post when I was dealing with the snowstorm last night... 

Looking back on the last year of my life is a crazy thing. A year ago I was flying home from California to heart breaking pain, a broken home, a mess... and a path that would soon unravel like a bad Lifetime movie. The day following my return would begin the first of many times my (now ex) husband would return and send my life spinning in yet another tailspin. I was living in a fog, life was a blur of tears and hurt.

This year I'm flying back from California to a different life. The weight of the world I carried last year is a memory. This year I found myself sipping cocktails and considering a life in sunny California. Or maybe the Carolinas? How about TX?... I found myself meeting new people, laughing and smiling from somewhere so deep within that I nearly forgot that depth of happiness existed. Found myself being amazed by the fantastic friends I have at home, and the offers to help make sure I return safely (in the impending snow storm). Simply in awe of how far life has brought me in the last year. And in awe of all the opportunities that the future holds. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff, ready to jump and just try flying...

Do I struggle ever? Cry out in pain and hurt? Yep, I do. I bet I will have times like that for the rest of my life. Because this will not be the last tragedy in my life. More will come. That is life. What happens isn't nearly as important as how you recover from it.

2013: I'm Still Standing.

I started 2013 like this...

The only thing I still have in my life from these photos is that watch... that girl, she doesn't even exist anymore, she's a different person completely.

Let me show you what got me through this year, alive & still standing...

And so many more...

Endlessly thankful for amazing friends and family. Always.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

Here's to...New Adventures. To Mistakes. To Living.

In the beginning of May I started to feel happiness creeping back into my life on a more regular basis and by the middle of May I was waking up happier and stronger every day. The feeling of gaining back emotional strength and happiness after months of despair is truly indescribable.

Then the death of the most wonderful, kind-hearted, wise man I know, threw life into a tailspin - that man was my “grandfather-in-law”. His death affected many others and with the death came a number of opportunities, decisions, mistakes, answers and ultimately finality that I could never have imagined. I had a heart wrenching 7 days that the details of which could fill an entire book. On day number 7 I sat packing my bags for a trip and I couldn’t even fully comprehend everything that had happened in the prior week… much less the last 4 months. 

At that point I realized a few things the last 7 days had shown me: I’m stronger than I have ever been, I know what I deserve in life and I must give up trying to “understand” what has happened in the last 4 months. There will never be a way to understand it but I can move on knowing I found strength through this time that I never knew I could have. I’ve shown grace in trying times and done my absolute best to keep it as much as possible.

On day number 8 I grabbed my bags and joined 4 of my girlfriends for a long weekend in the Outer Banks. I cannot imagine more perfect timing for that trip. Being surrounded by truly awesome friends, eating amazing food and drinking spectacular drinks… it was just what I needed to get refreshed, refocused and ready. Ready for the adventures life has in store. Ready to see where life’s going to take me. You see, I didn’t chose this new life and I never would have, but I can find the opportunities, adventure and excitement that exist in the world I’ve been handed.

So here’s to new adventures, to mistakes and living life to the fullest… because in the end it’s the only way to really live life!

xoxo

-A

PS - As always thanks to the {absolutely} amazing people in my life that keep me going when I don’t know if I can. I know without a doubt I’ll still have days like that, but I also know I’m facing them with a new outlook, a new focus. 

Beach Getaway with the Girls! 

OBX Night Out!

The Tsunami (aka the Volcano)

Cocktail Hour at Sunset in the OBX

A Post from the Past

I found this blog I drafted back in February and never posted. It’s raw & honest and very true to the pain I’ve felt over the last 4 months…

From February:

“True Strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart.”  – Unknown 

Running has been my solace over the last 4 weeks. Yoga – where you’re forced to stop and be still – has been my arch nemesis. I’ve struggled day in and day out but I’ve still laced up my running shoes and pounded the pavement. I’ve cried through runs, struggled to breathe and fought to finish but I have kept going. Those hard runs have been just like my life these last 4 weeks…. Painful. A struggle. A fight to make it through. There have been many times I just want to quit, wave the white flag and retreat to a hiding place. I’m still trying to battle my way through life everyday… hoping that the battle one day ends and I’m back to a place I can call “normal”.. a new normal, but a normal none-the-less. 

A big thank you to everyone who has lent their shield or their sword to help me make it through the battle that is my life right now. I will never forget the strength I have been given from others to get up and keep going every day. 

Letting Go of the Familiar

It’s taken me months to sit down and write this blog. I didn't know how to write another blog post about running or my life adventures until I could first acknowledge the new path my life has taken. I’m still not sure I can, but this is me trying...

My husband left me. 

That’s not the whole story, that doesn't even begin to explain what has happened or the roller coaster I've been on, but it does state the obvious fact that my life has taken a new direction. It took me nearly two months to really accept the choices he has made (although I don’t agree with them) and start moving forward with my own life.

Last week I signed up for my first full marathon – in the midst of my life crisis, I must be crazy right? Well this marathon sign-up has been long planned and I couldn't let go of my dreams. I fought for an hour to get into the Marine Corps Marathon – along with my running buddy Patty. It was a big deal to get that confirmation screen (finally! That registration was a mess.) and realize I had just signed up for my first full marathon, despite my heart being broken and my life being in shambles.

I could not have survived the last 71 days without my family and friends. There are absolutely no words for how incredibly blessed I am. I have had more people surrounding me & supporting me than anyone could ever ask for. I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve. I am thankful to have such amazing supporters in my life every day.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”  -Raymond Lindquist

That is exactly what I am trying to do now. Letting go of the familiar (and comfortable) and starting a new journey in life. And I’ll be right here, blogging about my so called grown up life (the good and the bad). 

xoxo

-a.

Life Changed.

My life changed when I lost the weight.

Coming to terms with it all has been hard. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but this hasn't been easy.

I'm still not "skinny" and my body has lots of flaws, but it's mine and I have and still do work hard for it. I love that it takes me running for miles or hiking with friends. I'm not perfect but my life has changed. And for that, I'm so thankful!

Before

After