Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

"There ain't nothing like a memory..."

“And there ain't nothing like a memory,

When it's coming on strong like a hurricane.

How can love like that just up and walk away?

Killing me baby.

It's got me pouring up another drink,

Bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train,

With my back against the wall or on my knees,

When the worst of your memory gets the best of me.”

Last night I decided to take some time and sit out on the deck to reflect on everything. To really try and begin the process of letting go of my home and life with Andy. 

I move out Sunday. In a month we file for divorce. This chapter of my life will really be closing.

I mentally went over the moments frozen in time in my mind – dancing in the kitchen with babe, cooking dinners together & watching him grill us something delicious (or sometimes catch it on fire instead), snuggling with the pups watching movies, having drinks on the decks, enjoying campfires out back, watching from the kitchen window for him to get home from work… 

There’s been so much bad in the last five months, so much ugly, so much pain, so many awful things…that I needed to stop and remember the good. Stop and appreciate the things I loved and enjoyed so much.

My life was far from perfect, there are hard times and bad memories too but I married for love and for what I planned to be forever. I knew that times would get hard, things would get bad but that you find a way to work through it, you figure it out. And then as life goes things would get hard again at some point and you work through it then too. I feel robbed of that commitment... that life…that kind of love.

I accept I’ll never understand. I’ll never agree. I’ll never think it’s okay...

What I will do is find a way to let go. Find a way to move on in life… as scary as it may be.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Leaving My {Old} Life Behind

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my home...

The house I bought with Andy just three years ago. I talked about us putting an offer on it here, the home inspection here, getting approved here, preparing for the closing here and the day we bought it here. It was a huge moment in our lives.

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my "kids"...

The hardest consequence of Andy's decision to leave was what to do with our dogs. I still can't stop crying about this. We got Parker the first year we were dating and when Parker needed a companion, we got Allie. Their faces are all over my blog and my Facebook, I have hundreds of photos of them and our adventures. They're the most amazing dogs in the world. The hard part was when I realized that if I were to take them they’d have to live in an apartment with no yard, spending their time in a crate whenever I was at work or out… that was just too much. I couldn’t punish them for choices made beyond their (and my own) control. In the end I decided to give them to Andy so the pups could have the yard, the house and the space they’ve grown accustomed to. It breaks my heart... I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it.

But somehow, I will find a way. 

I’ll find a way to leave behind the house we made our home, the dogs I called my kids and the husband that I love so deeply…

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

Here's to...New Adventures. To Mistakes. To Living.

In the beginning of May I started to feel happiness creeping back into my life on a more regular basis and by the middle of May I was waking up happier and stronger every day. The feeling of gaining back emotional strength and happiness after months of despair is truly indescribable.

Then the death of the most wonderful, kind-hearted, wise man I know, threw life into a tailspin - that man was my “grandfather-in-law”. His death affected many others and with the death came a number of opportunities, decisions, mistakes, answers and ultimately finality that I could never have imagined. I had a heart wrenching 7 days that the details of which could fill an entire book. On day number 7 I sat packing my bags for a trip and I couldn’t even fully comprehend everything that had happened in the prior week… much less the last 4 months. 

At that point I realized a few things the last 7 days had shown me: I’m stronger than I have ever been, I know what I deserve in life and I must give up trying to “understand” what has happened in the last 4 months. There will never be a way to understand it but I can move on knowing I found strength through this time that I never knew I could have. I’ve shown grace in trying times and done my absolute best to keep it as much as possible.

On day number 8 I grabbed my bags and joined 4 of my girlfriends for a long weekend in the Outer Banks. I cannot imagine more perfect timing for that trip. Being surrounded by truly awesome friends, eating amazing food and drinking spectacular drinks… it was just what I needed to get refreshed, refocused and ready. Ready for the adventures life has in store. Ready to see where life’s going to take me. You see, I didn’t chose this new life and I never would have, but I can find the opportunities, adventure and excitement that exist in the world I’ve been handed.

So here’s to new adventures, to mistakes and living life to the fullest… because in the end it’s the only way to really live life!

xoxo

-A

PS - As always thanks to the {absolutely} amazing people in my life that keep me going when I don’t know if I can. I know without a doubt I’ll still have days like that, but I also know I’m facing them with a new outlook, a new focus. 

Beach Getaway with the Girls! 

OBX Night Out!

The Tsunami (aka the Volcano)

Cocktail Hour at Sunset in the OBX

A Post from the Past

I found this blog I drafted back in February and never posted. It’s raw & honest and very true to the pain I’ve felt over the last 4 months…

From February:

“True Strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart.”  – Unknown 

Running has been my solace over the last 4 weeks. Yoga – where you’re forced to stop and be still – has been my arch nemesis. I’ve struggled day in and day out but I’ve still laced up my running shoes and pounded the pavement. I’ve cried through runs, struggled to breathe and fought to finish but I have kept going. Those hard runs have been just like my life these last 4 weeks…. Painful. A struggle. A fight to make it through. There have been many times I just want to quit, wave the white flag and retreat to a hiding place. I’m still trying to battle my way through life everyday… hoping that the battle one day ends and I’m back to a place I can call “normal”.. a new normal, but a normal none-the-less. 

A big thank you to everyone who has lent their shield or their sword to help me make it through the battle that is my life right now. I will never forget the strength I have been given from others to get up and keep going every day.