By The Grace of God...

"Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free"

I've been listening to this song on repeat the last few days. I discovered it at the exact moment I needed it... this week brings the One Year Anniversary of the day my entire life changed. 

The truth about that time? I thought my world was ending... I watched the life we had built crumble around me... I spent my fair share of nights laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing... I can't count the number of times I called my mom or one of my amazing friends, unable to speak, just crying... I snuggled my pups and prayed hard, for God's will... I hated myself some days... I hated others some days... I wanted it all to just be over... I just knew I couldn't survive it.

But I held on... somehow. And I ran through it... It saved my life. 

And a lot of amazing people gave me the encouragement I needed.

I didn't try to put the pieces back together, one day I just took one piece and decided to start a new puzzle. It's still a work in progress... there's still some days I cry in pain, but the difference is, I know I will be okay... it will be okay.

I picked myself back up, because I knew I had to stay... 

I forgave. I realized my blessings. I learned my lessons. I became a better person. 

Always, decide to stay. Don't let love or anything else take you out. <3

xoxo

Life Goes On..

 Sometimes it’s hard to slow down and take time to write. So I’m going to do my best to recap life a little bit.

• I PR’ed (barely) at Virginia Beach Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon – 1:55:45. The heat and humidity were awful but some highlights of the race were:
• My parents & nephews cheering with signs at Mile 6
• The freezer pops that people decided to hand out around mile 11 on the course (amazing)
• The girl holding the sign at mile 12 that said “Run like you’re racing your EX’s new lover” – I laughed at this and it carried me through the last mile of the race.
• I found a place to live! I moved into my own place the first of September. The condo is great and for the first time in my life I have a garage (it’s amazing!).  I feel very much at home already and it’s nearly the same size as my old house was, so that has helped make the transition even better. My other favorite perks are: the huge master closet and the two back patios (one off the main floor, one off the second floor).
• Marathon training has continued and we have completed a 17-mile, a 19-mile and a 20-mile run. My favorite is still the 19-mile run…bloody shoe and all.
• I had my first visitors! Maddi and her boyfriend Gunner came to visit! We had time to enjoy the new patio furniture I bought, went rafting down the Shenandoah River, went to a local winery event and more. I loved having my first visitors and we had a blast enjoying “the mountains” as Maddi likes to say. I love being the hostess, so please come visit!
• I’m officially divorced. It was a bittersweet moment but the best response to this news so far has been when a friend said: “you can now dance to single ladies again.” Even if it is my adjusted version, “If you like then you should’ve KEPT a ring on it.”

Life has truly gone on. And I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing life full of the most fantastic people in the world. I am now beyond constant pain and grief and instead I can just be extremely grateful for the person this experience has made me into. I could never have imagined handling it all like I did and I’m so thankful I somehow managed to (by the grace of God). I am far from perfect, so I have things I wish I could’ve changed in my marriage but it is a blessing to look back on the last 8 months without being consumed with feelings of “what if”, embarrassment or regret. Instead I remember heartbreak, amazing friendships, struggles, perseverance and unconditional, endless love. Those things taught me amazing lifelong lessons. Here’s to the next book in life... 

xoxo

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

Love in Chocolate Cake

Last week, my youngest nephew turned 11. We had a small family birthday dinner at my mom's on his actual birthday and then a party on Sunday at my mom's. My nephew got the new Nexus tablet... it is awesome but it only took me about 10 hours to figure it out and download some games for him to be able to play before wrapping it up. I *refuse* to buy anything not Apple ever again!

This is the awesome double-decker cake my mom made (Jake requested!).

Chocolate cake was my grandmother's specialty. Whenever you visited her near your birthday she always had a chocolate birthday cake ready and waiting. We all agreed no one would ever make it as good as she could... Why? We mentioned different things she did but realized she NEVER made it the same way (sometimes she froze it, sometimes she used applesauce, etc). We all agreed, it was the LOVE she put in it that made it the best cake ever.

I Love You... 4.5 years later

Last Thursday (8/16/12), Babe took me out to dinner at Mill Street Grill. It just so happened to be 4.5 years since the first time he told me he loved me (aka our start on this crazy journey!). 

We had great food & good beer. Babe even ordered my favorite appetizer, the fried artichoke hearts. He couldn't care less about the artichokes but loves the cheese mixture they stuff them with!

4.5 years later and he's still tolerating all of my self portraits... 

Call me maybe?!

I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number, call me maybe.

One thing I love about babe is his ability to make me laugh. So when he belted out this song when we were out jogging it was no surprise. Here's my 25 year old husband belting out a song that sounds like a 12 year old should be singing it (I had not heard the song at that point, I now have).

So now, I can not get that song or the image of him singing it to me out of my head. I'm not sure want to tho though, it definitely makes me smile.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

So true.. <3

Teenage Dream

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

Wedding Ceremony Recap Continues

The first picture I'll start with has a little explanation behind it. I absolutely *LOVE* the wedding shoes I found. I purchased them @ Design @ 9 in Downtown Staunton & they were the perfect color. At the last minute (and I do mean the last minute), I switched shoes right before I walked out the door because the ground was so soft at the river. I had tested the shoes earlier in the summer when it was dry and the ground was hard but Friday night before the wedding I tested them again and I was sinking in (heels + grass = bad). I ended up wearing these shoes to the reception with my wedding dress, but there are some pictures from the wedding day with a different pair of shoes and some people have asked. So there's the explanation for the multiple shoes. And the other pair of shoes I had prepared were wedges (they work perfect for ourdoors) and they were pink with white polka dots (absolutely adorable too!). 

The Infamous Shoes

It seriously took a village to get me ready - a village of very sweet friends & family!

My mom zipping my dress.

Lindsay & Mom looping all the buttons (a long process)

The beautiful Hearts On Fire Necklace I wore

After an awesome afternoon of getting ready with some of my favorite people it was time to marry my best friend. Everyone left to head down to the ceremony except Lindsay and I. This is when I got super nervous/excited! Thank GOODNESS for Lindsay who helped me get every last detail in place in those last 15 minutes: helped me switch shoes 3 or 4 times in the debate of which to wear, grabbed my engagement ring that I almost forgot, ran back for tissues and calmed my nerves too - I don't know what I'd do without her in life! 

Andy's grandfather, Pops, arrived in the Model A and Andy's step-dad, Ronnie, in the BMW to drive Lindsay and I to the ceremony.

Lindsay getting out of the BMW, escorted by John. I LOVE the smile on her face!

I'll spare you the photo of me getting out of the Model A (not the easiest thing to do in a wedding dress!). Luckily, I made it out without falling - Andy admitted to laughing as he saw me trying to get out.... 

My wonderful brother, Scottie, walked me down the aisle & gave me away. Here we are right after I got out of the Model A. He very sweetly fixed my dress before we walked down the aisle. 

I absolutely, positively love the photo above - Andy absolutely, positively hates it. This is as soon as Scottie & I made it to Andy. Andy's crying (although his mouth makes it look like he is smiling) and he hates the photo of him. But it really captured the moment (and I love how this photo makes my skin look so smooth - odd, I know, but I love it). And as I'll talk about later, my favorites from the ceremony are shots where you can't see my face...

Again, I love this photo too! So sweet!

I love this photo of Lindz - so gorgeous!

Now is when I'll explain why I like photos of me from the wedding ceremony where you DON'T see my face (like the one below)...

The reason is - I had this HUGE ridiculously GOOFY toothy smile where you can see ALL my teeth - seriously my teeth kept getting dry and my lips would stick to them. I couldn't help it, I was soooo happy - but it made for the most ridiculous looking photos of me... for proof see below:

See! There is proof. I love that I was soooo happy - I hate that I look so goofy! 

And since I can't end on a goofy photo, I'll leave you with this one of the wedding ceremony...