Looking Back and Forward...

I wrote this post on the plane yesterday but didn't have time to post when I was dealing with the snowstorm last night... 

Looking back on the last year of my life is a crazy thing. A year ago I was flying home from California to heart breaking pain, a broken home, a mess... and a path that would soon unravel like a bad Lifetime movie. The day following my return would begin the first of many times my (now ex) husband would return and send my life spinning in yet another tailspin. I was living in a fog, life was a blur of tears and hurt.

This year I'm flying back from California to a different life. The weight of the world I carried last year is a memory. This year I found myself sipping cocktails and considering a life in sunny California. Or maybe the Carolinas? How about TX?... I found myself meeting new people, laughing and smiling from somewhere so deep within that I nearly forgot that depth of happiness existed. Found myself being amazed by the fantastic friends I have at home, and the offers to help make sure I return safely (in the impending snow storm). Simply in awe of how far life has brought me in the last year. And in awe of all the opportunities that the future holds. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff, ready to jump and just try flying...

Do I struggle ever? Cry out in pain and hurt? Yep, I do. I bet I will have times like that for the rest of my life. Because this will not be the last tragedy in my life. More will come. That is life. What happens isn't nearly as important as how you recover from it.

2013: I'm Still Standing.

I started 2013 like this...

The only thing I still have in my life from these photos is that watch... that girl, she doesn't even exist anymore, she's a different person completely.

Let me show you what got me through this year, alive & still standing...

And so many more...

Endlessly thankful for amazing friends and family. Always.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

"There ain't nothing like a memory..."

“And there ain't nothing like a memory,

When it's coming on strong like a hurricane.

How can love like that just up and walk away?

Killing me baby.

It's got me pouring up another drink,

Bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train,

With my back against the wall or on my knees,

When the worst of your memory gets the best of me.”

Last night I decided to take some time and sit out on the deck to reflect on everything. To really try and begin the process of letting go of my home and life with Andy. 

I move out Sunday. In a month we file for divorce. This chapter of my life will really be closing.

I mentally went over the moments frozen in time in my mind – dancing in the kitchen with babe, cooking dinners together & watching him grill us something delicious (or sometimes catch it on fire instead), snuggling with the pups watching movies, having drinks on the decks, enjoying campfires out back, watching from the kitchen window for him to get home from work… 

There’s been so much bad in the last five months, so much ugly, so much pain, so many awful things…that I needed to stop and remember the good. Stop and appreciate the things I loved and enjoyed so much.

My life was far from perfect, there are hard times and bad memories too but I married for love and for what I planned to be forever. I knew that times would get hard, things would get bad but that you find a way to work through it, you figure it out. And then as life goes things would get hard again at some point and you work through it then too. I feel robbed of that commitment... that life…that kind of love.

I accept I’ll never understand. I’ll never agree. I’ll never think it’s okay...

What I will do is find a way to let go. Find a way to move on in life… as scary as it may be.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Here's to...New Adventures. To Mistakes. To Living.

In the beginning of May I started to feel happiness creeping back into my life on a more regular basis and by the middle of May I was waking up happier and stronger every day. The feeling of gaining back emotional strength and happiness after months of despair is truly indescribable.

Then the death of the most wonderful, kind-hearted, wise man I know, threw life into a tailspin - that man was my “grandfather-in-law”. His death affected many others and with the death came a number of opportunities, decisions, mistakes, answers and ultimately finality that I could never have imagined. I had a heart wrenching 7 days that the details of which could fill an entire book. On day number 7 I sat packing my bags for a trip and I couldn’t even fully comprehend everything that had happened in the prior week… much less the last 4 months. 

At that point I realized a few things the last 7 days had shown me: I’m stronger than I have ever been, I know what I deserve in life and I must give up trying to “understand” what has happened in the last 4 months. There will never be a way to understand it but I can move on knowing I found strength through this time that I never knew I could have. I’ve shown grace in trying times and done my absolute best to keep it as much as possible.

On day number 8 I grabbed my bags and joined 4 of my girlfriends for a long weekend in the Outer Banks. I cannot imagine more perfect timing for that trip. Being surrounded by truly awesome friends, eating amazing food and drinking spectacular drinks… it was just what I needed to get refreshed, refocused and ready. Ready for the adventures life has in store. Ready to see where life’s going to take me. You see, I didn’t chose this new life and I never would have, but I can find the opportunities, adventure and excitement that exist in the world I’ve been handed.

So here’s to new adventures, to mistakes and living life to the fullest… because in the end it’s the only way to really live life!

xoxo

-A

PS - As always thanks to the {absolutely} amazing people in my life that keep me going when I don’t know if I can. I know without a doubt I’ll still have days like that, but I also know I’m facing them with a new outlook, a new focus. 

Beach Getaway with the Girls! 

OBX Night Out!

The Tsunami (aka the Volcano)

Cocktail Hour at Sunset in the OBX