By The Grace of God...

"Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free"

I've been listening to this song on repeat the last few days. I discovered it at the exact moment I needed it... this week brings the One Year Anniversary of the day my entire life changed. 

The truth about that time? I thought my world was ending... I watched the life we had built crumble around me... I spent my fair share of nights laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing... I can't count the number of times I called my mom or one of my amazing friends, unable to speak, just crying... I snuggled my pups and prayed hard, for God's will... I hated myself some days... I hated others some days... I wanted it all to just be over... I just knew I couldn't survive it.

But I held on... somehow. And I ran through it... It saved my life. 

And a lot of amazing people gave me the encouragement I needed.

I didn't try to put the pieces back together, one day I just took one piece and decided to start a new puzzle. It's still a work in progress... there's still some days I cry in pain, but the difference is, I know I will be okay... it will be okay.

I picked myself back up, because I knew I had to stay... 

I forgave. I realized my blessings. I learned my lessons. I became a better person. 

Always, decide to stay. Don't let love or anything else take you out. <3

xoxo

Life Goes On..

 Sometimes it’s hard to slow down and take time to write. So I’m going to do my best to recap life a little bit.

• I PR’ed (barely) at Virginia Beach Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon – 1:55:45. The heat and humidity were awful but some highlights of the race were:
• My parents & nephews cheering with signs at Mile 6
• The freezer pops that people decided to hand out around mile 11 on the course (amazing)
• The girl holding the sign at mile 12 that said “Run like you’re racing your EX’s new lover” – I laughed at this and it carried me through the last mile of the race.
• I found a place to live! I moved into my own place the first of September. The condo is great and for the first time in my life I have a garage (it’s amazing!).  I feel very much at home already and it’s nearly the same size as my old house was, so that has helped make the transition even better. My other favorite perks are: the huge master closet and the two back patios (one off the main floor, one off the second floor).
• Marathon training has continued and we have completed a 17-mile, a 19-mile and a 20-mile run. My favorite is still the 19-mile run…bloody shoe and all.
• I had my first visitors! Maddi and her boyfriend Gunner came to visit! We had time to enjoy the new patio furniture I bought, went rafting down the Shenandoah River, went to a local winery event and more. I loved having my first visitors and we had a blast enjoying “the mountains” as Maddi likes to say. I love being the hostess, so please come visit!
• I’m officially divorced. It was a bittersweet moment but the best response to this news so far has been when a friend said: “you can now dance to single ladies again.” Even if it is my adjusted version, “If you like then you should’ve KEPT a ring on it.”

Life has truly gone on. And I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing life full of the most fantastic people in the world. I am now beyond constant pain and grief and instead I can just be extremely grateful for the person this experience has made me into. I could never have imagined handling it all like I did and I’m so thankful I somehow managed to (by the grace of God). I am far from perfect, so I have things I wish I could’ve changed in my marriage but it is a blessing to look back on the last 8 months without being consumed with feelings of “what if”, embarrassment or regret. Instead I remember heartbreak, amazing friendships, struggles, perseverance and unconditional, endless love. Those things taught me amazing lifelong lessons. Here’s to the next book in life... 

xoxo

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...

Sometimes I pause to reflect and I am shocked by how much my life has changed in a year...

A year ago my life was on a path I had always dreamed about and today my life looks nothing like that image.  Somehow though, in the last six months, I’ve found a way to embrace the life I’ve been handed and found good scattered amidst the ashes of my former life.


Do I miss my husband? Deeply. But one day I realized I can breathe again, I can laugh from my heart again, not every moment is weighed down by grief… I’m proof that time does help heal. 

I never expect I’ll fully stop missing him, our pups and our life together. I married my best friend, I wanted to spend my life with the man I committed to, finding ways to make that life better and better. With that in mind, I know a part of me will always ache for what was taken away...

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

I never stopped living life, through the darkest days I’ve ever seen. And one day I realized I wasn’t just making myself live life, I was actually having fun. I can’t pinpoint the change, looking back, where it went from something I forced myself to go and do, to something that came natural. It just happened...

Thank you to everyone who pushed me on; through days when I thought there was no way I would survive another, through nights when I cried until I could barely breathe, through my hardest moments and my smallest triumphs, thank you all for seeing me through.

I may not fully be on the “other side” of this, and probably won’t be for a very long time, but I’m loving & really living life again, I’m finding happiness in this world and I’m never forgetting just how blessed I am. 

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

"There ain't nothing like a memory..."

“And there ain't nothing like a memory,

When it's coming on strong like a hurricane.

How can love like that just up and walk away?

Killing me baby.

It's got me pouring up another drink,

Bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train,

With my back against the wall or on my knees,

When the worst of your memory gets the best of me.”

Last night I decided to take some time and sit out on the deck to reflect on everything. To really try and begin the process of letting go of my home and life with Andy. 

I move out Sunday. In a month we file for divorce. This chapter of my life will really be closing.

I mentally went over the moments frozen in time in my mind – dancing in the kitchen with babe, cooking dinners together & watching him grill us something delicious (or sometimes catch it on fire instead), snuggling with the pups watching movies, having drinks on the decks, enjoying campfires out back, watching from the kitchen window for him to get home from work… 

There’s been so much bad in the last five months, so much ugly, so much pain, so many awful things…that I needed to stop and remember the good. Stop and appreciate the things I loved and enjoyed so much.

My life was far from perfect, there are hard times and bad memories too but I married for love and for what I planned to be forever. I knew that times would get hard, things would get bad but that you find a way to work through it, you figure it out. And then as life goes things would get hard again at some point and you work through it then too. I feel robbed of that commitment... that life…that kind of love.

I accept I’ll never understand. I’ll never agree. I’ll never think it’s okay...

What I will do is find a way to let go. Find a way to move on in life… as scary as it may be.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Leaving My {Old} Life Behind

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my home...

The house I bought with Andy just three years ago. I talked about us putting an offer on it here, the home inspection here, getting approved here, preparing for the closing here and the day we bought it here. It was a huge moment in our lives.

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my "kids"...

The hardest consequence of Andy's decision to leave was what to do with our dogs. I still can't stop crying about this. We got Parker the first year we were dating and when Parker needed a companion, we got Allie. Their faces are all over my blog and my Facebook, I have hundreds of photos of them and our adventures. They're the most amazing dogs in the world. The hard part was when I realized that if I were to take them they’d have to live in an apartment with no yard, spending their time in a crate whenever I was at work or out… that was just too much. I couldn’t punish them for choices made beyond their (and my own) control. In the end I decided to give them to Andy so the pups could have the yard, the house and the space they’ve grown accustomed to. It breaks my heart... I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it.

But somehow, I will find a way. 

I’ll find a way to leave behind the house we made our home, the dogs I called my kids and the husband that I love so deeply…

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber