By The Grace of God...

"Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free"

I've been listening to this song on repeat the last few days. I discovered it at the exact moment I needed it... this week brings the One Year Anniversary of the day my entire life changed. 

The truth about that time? I thought my world was ending... I watched the life we had built crumble around me... I spent my fair share of nights laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing... I can't count the number of times I called my mom or one of my amazing friends, unable to speak, just crying... I snuggled my pups and prayed hard, for God's will... I hated myself some days... I hated others some days... I wanted it all to just be over... I just knew I couldn't survive it.

But I held on... somehow. And I ran through it... It saved my life. 

And a lot of amazing people gave me the encouragement I needed.

I didn't try to put the pieces back together, one day I just took one piece and decided to start a new puzzle. It's still a work in progress... there's still some days I cry in pain, but the difference is, I know I will be okay... it will be okay.

I picked myself back up, because I knew I had to stay... 

I forgave. I realized my blessings. I learned my lessons. I became a better person. 

Always, decide to stay. Don't let love or anything else take you out. <3

xoxo

Any Excuse for a Photo Shoot

So I'll take pretty much any excuse for a photo shoot with my favorite photographer, Lindsey Walters - Miscellaneous Media. She has done engagement pictures, wedding photos and now 1 year anniversary pictures for us!


Lindsey was more than willing to once again tromp around a farm with us to capture some fun shots because I cannot stand the typical "portrait" photos people have done... just not for me.

Evidence - here is our bag of shoes and accessories for the shoot. Yep. That's not even any clothes.

As always, Lindsey did absolutely amazing --- and even made me look great despite a ton of sweat and a missing hairbrush... Andy always feel comfortable around her & it makes getting relaxed & happy photos a breeze!

All Photos are Copyrights of Miscellaneous Media Photography!

I LOVE THEM. And there are still lots more! 

Check out Lindsey's facebook page to see lots of sneak peeks of her work: 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/MiscellaneousMediaPhotography

Memories

This October I skipped blogging about the thing that makes a week in October hard as hell. 

Last year I wrote pretty candidly about the death of (at the time) my 16 year old sister-in-law to be. Andy's only sibling, an amazing, beautiful girl and a testament to God's love. Our Angel of Faith, on earth & now in Heaven. 

This year, I went to start a post and honestly, I just couldn't finish it. I had made myself remember and relive those awful details of the hospital over the days before the 2 year anniversary of her death and I just couldn't get into words what I was feeling. 

Ang & I before her homecoming dance

I did save this (see below) in a draft, even though it wasn't finished. I decided to leave it as is, raw and imperfect and not try to finish those thoughts and drag up those memories. I instead tried to relive her laughter, her smiles and her crazy antics. Those are the memories I should be writing about....

I watched you take your last breath. Watched your family fall apart.

I held your brother's hand wishing somehow I could touch his heart.

It didn't feel real. A nightmare that I would surely wake up from.

It didn't feel real. Days blurred together... picking photos, poems, songs, a casket.

It doesn't feel real.