Memories

This October I skipped blogging about the thing that makes a week in October hard as hell. 

Last year I wrote pretty candidly about the death of (at the time) my 16 year old sister-in-law to be. Andy's only sibling, an amazing, beautiful girl and a testament to God's love. Our Angel of Faith, on earth & now in Heaven. 

This year, I went to start a post and honestly, I just couldn't finish it. I had made myself remember and relive those awful details of the hospital over the days before the 2 year anniversary of her death and I just couldn't get into words what I was feeling. 

Ang & I before her homecoming dance

I did save this (see below) in a draft, even though it wasn't finished. I decided to leave it as is, raw and imperfect and not try to finish those thoughts and drag up those memories. I instead tried to relive her laughter, her smiles and her crazy antics. Those are the memories I should be writing about....

I watched you take your last breath. Watched your family fall apart.

I held your brother's hand wishing somehow I could touch his heart.

It didn't feel real. A nightmare that I would surely wake up from.

It didn't feel real. Days blurred together... picking photos, poems, songs, a casket.

It doesn't feel real.

Simple Joys

Well over a year ago, I gave a speech. It I hadn't of written it down, I know I wouldn't be able to remember the words I spoke. Those days are still a blur and always will be. 


I gave a speech at the high school memorial service for Ang... a short speech, in which I had to find a way to show the positives to take from Ang's death. How do you do that only one week after her horrific accident? How do you try to send students, teachers and friends off with a passion after such a tragic death? 


I'm not sure. I'm still not sure. But I chose to use Ang's words. I read her papers and stories and stole words... sentences... paragraphs. Because if anyone could do it, Ang could....




Memorial Service Speech (intro removed)---

As we’ve spent time in the last week thinking of Angela and remembering all of our times with her, the one thing that everyone remembers is her smile. That huge, goofy grin that she always had on her face (and is evident in so many pictures).

We haven’t spoken to a single person who hasn’t talked about her smile. So as you think of Angela in the coming days... weeks... months and years… remember that smile and recall a memory that puts a smile just as big on your face too. And allow the simple joys to help put you back together, just as Angela did after hard times. Here is an excerpt from a paper she wrote after losing two family members in a short period of time.

“I believe in the simple joys.  Getting a big hug from my niece, my favorite team celebrating a victory, and my puppy sitting for the first time on command are simple joys I have learned to take pleasure in.  I have developed an appreciation for a beautiful sunset, the little girl smiling at me in the next car, the smell of freshly baked cookies, the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, the taste of rich hot cocoa, and that today is Friday!  By noticing the simple joys, my whole world seems brighter and happier. 

Being grateful and taking account of the big things in life is easy.  Sure, all my basic needs are met.  I have a home, food on the table, clothes to wear, good health, and family and friends who love me.  But as I started becoming aware of the more simple things around me, I began to have hope and to feel alive again.  During my life I will experience times of grief, pain, and suffering, but if I look around the simple joys will always be there to help me through.  I can’t afford to waste another day letting life pass me by.

I believe in the power of simple joys.”

Angela also spent her life standing for something more, living for something more and knowing something more… the Lord. It was a passion she shared with many and a dedication she held strong, something I always admired and respected her for. She was given a gift from God to be able to share her faith with anyone, without hesitation. I think that huge goofy grin helped make it easier. 


I personally recall dinner table conservations with Angela discussing her faith, one in particular when a certain teacher had said some things about Faith and God that she did not agree with… and boy did she let her know and the rest of us know what she stood for.

Angela learned three important lessons at a young age from a wonderful 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Myers. She wrote about these in a recent paper and she would want each and every person here to live with these in mind…

Live each day to the fullest

Trust in God’s Will

And if you haven’t already, Learn to Laugh.

Do these three things in memory of Angela and pass on her huge smile.

She has been the family’s beloved Angel of Faith on earth and now in Heaven.

To this day I still remember standing in the auditorium as they played Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night... students filling in around me... dancing. We did the same thing at our wedding reception... not everyone knew the meaning of the song, but so many did. 

After Ang passed away at UVA, we had to drive home. It was after 1am and we had just been through the hardest moments of our lives. Andy & I drove home in our car. No radio. No talking. We just held hands and drove. And I listened to Tonight's Going to Be a Good Night for a few minutes. The radio was off, but I heard it just like it was coming through the speakers. I wasn't singing it in my head or even thinking about it. I didn't say anything to Andy until later, after that solemn drive home. Turns out, he heard the exact same thing too. I'm not surprised...

Happy 18th Birthday...

Happy 18th Birthday Angela Faith Kania! 

I love that she is still a part of our lives.

Read more about that here. 

Tonight we'll celebrate your birthday ~ forever missing you!

October

I'm not sure October will ever be a month I can welcome. A month I'm ready for.

Especially if this is how I feel every October. 

I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think I'd be so lost...so angry... so sad... and struggling to make it through every day. This week will mark one year and I don't want it to. I don't want it to be. There's no way I can look back on this last year. I cannot bear to remember how this year felt. The year that was supposed to be the happiness of planning my wedding to my best friend became a year that was so painful, at times I don't know how we kept going.

I don't know how we've made it this far. But the last thing I want to do is watch the calendar come to one year. I can still remember her like it was yesterday. Laughing at dinner and always skipping out on the dishes. I remember her sitting on the floor while I french braided her hair. Smiling for a hundred pictures before homecoming. Curling her hair for a sweet sixteen party. Letting her borrow my diamond earrings to wear to a dance. She was the little sister I never had...

And painfully I remember not having time to braid her hair the last time she asked. Painfully I remember her being mad at me the last time I saw her before the accident. I remember telling her I loved her and she was mad...

I wish I could, but I'll never forget the hospital. I'll never forget exactly where we were when we got the call that turned everything upside down. Sitting in the car at the stoplight by Sheetz... only minutes from our townhouse.

I won't forget the ride to UVA that Monday morning, so sick to my stomach I couldn't even ride with Andy and Cathy for fear of slowing them down... I wasn't sure I'd make it to the hospital without getting sick.

I will never forget the doctor telling us we'd get to see her for a moment as they wheeled her into surgery... standing in that emergency room hallway, waiting for them to come... I stood there watching Cathy's worst nightmare unfold. Watching Andy scared. Wishing that it was not real...

I tried to prepare for the worst in those minutes. I didn't know it then, but that would be the best she would look. The trauma her body had experienced hadn't fully taken effect so the swelling was minor at that point. She looked like Ang, just laying there on the hospital bed. Sure, I could tell her foot was swollen, but I couldn't fathom the trauma to her body.

I wish I could say that the drive we took that morning was the worst drive of my life. But it wasn't. Andy & I left UVA late that Monday night with hope. With more than hope, we left with a knowing that Ang was going to have a hard, hard road of recovery ahead of her. On the drive home I responded to people via text, e-mail and facebook to update them. I told them to work on cards and letters because Ang would have a hard road of recovery and would not be allowed visitors for awhile. The next morning I planned to create a blog to keep people up-to-date... I realized quickly that day there would be no way we could respond to everyone concerned and praying for Ang {thank you to everyone, it was and still is a blessing}.

When we fell into bed at my mom's house that night, shortly before midnight, we had our plan ready. We'd get up early the next morning, go to our townhouse in Harrisonburg and pack up what we needed to move home for awhile. All we had at the moment were the clothes on our back and we knew we'd need more so we could stay home and be closer to UVA for Ang's recovery.

We hadn't been asleep a half an hour when Andy got the call from Cathy that stopped the world. I can still remember the sound of her voice and the words "brain dead". The words that took away all of our hope. I stepped out of bed in whatever pjs I had wrangled from my mom's closet and put my shoes on. I didn't think, I just moved.

That was the worst drive. We weren't even to the end of my road when we got the call from Ronnie telling us to take our time, there was no reason to rush. That said it all. It answered every question running through our minds. I'll remember that somber drive for as long as I live. I'll remember how I sat there shaking like I was freezing. I'll remember how the closer we got to UVA the slower we drove... like if we just didn't get there it wouldn't be real. As each exit got closer we slowed even more. I don't remember Andy & I talking. I'm sure we said something but I don't remember a single word of that car ride.

I don't remember much between that point and the point where we sat crying in the hallway of the ICU right outside of Ang's room. I don't remember parking the car or getting through the late night security. I don't even remember the moment I saw Cathy. I just remember sitting on the floor. Sitting there on the floor outside of Ang's room... crying and being so lost. How do you process that? How could I process the last 18 hours? Much less handle it all.

I remember the doctors talking to us and all I could think of was how young they looked. I'm sure they were interns or residents or something. I remember the looks on their faces and how badly I wanted them to know Ang. I wanted them to know her. To know how much she had to offer the world, how much she still had to give, still had to do. They had to know it so they would know they had to save her. To find a way to make her okay. I know that didn't make sense, but I couldn't help but think it.

The hospital is a blur of moments all mixed together. I remember the first time I saw Ang's nostrils flair. I just knew that it was huge, that it meant they were wrong. I remember running to get Cathy.... only to find out from the doctors that it didn't matter. It didn't mean anything to the doctors.

I was blessed to be the one to sit with Ang while Cathy, Andy and the rest of the immediate family met with the doctors. While the rest of the family talked to doctor after doctor and the LifeNet team (organ donation) - I sat with Ang. I talked to her. I prayed to God. I willed her to wake up. I remember being terrified that she'd wake up in pain when I was the only one with her. I truly still thought she'd wake up. I honestly have no clue how many meetings and doctors Cathy, Andy and family met with. I just remember the time I spent holding her hand. It felt like days... like the meetings were forever and we had been there for days... but it was just one. One day was all it took and somehow we were supposed to say goodbye.

I'll never forget she still had the temporary tattoo on her arm from the weekend youth retreat she had been on. I remember thinking how she would be mad they shaved a spot of her hair. I still thought she would leave that hospital one day and return home, return to her life...

We'll forever miss you Ang. Not a day goes by that you aren't missed. I know your watching down.

In Memory of Angela Faith Kania

I interrupt your normally scheduled program (more wedding recaps) to tell you all about a blood drive being held in memory of Angela. The blood drive will be with Virginia Blood Services on Saturday October 30 from 10:00am to 2:00pm. Location: Lebanon Church of the Brethren in Mt. Sidney.

If you need more information or would like to donate blood please contact Angela's aunt Michelle Weaver by e-mail or phone (weaver62604@yahoo.com or 540-280-4421). Please consider giving the gift of life to another individual as we remember Angela. {Andy & I will be there donating Saturday morning}.


For those of you who do not know, Angela gave the gift of life through Organ Donation.


I had to go back almost a year on my facebook wall to find this, but I needed the exact words:

Angie Simonetti: is ready to save lives. not ready to say goodbye. but she's a hero in my heart.
October 13, 2009 at 11:09pm via Facebook for BlackBerry 

We said goodbye shortly before 1am on October 14, 2009 and her gift of life (through Organ Donation) saved three lives. In her memory we will give blood to save the lives of others in need.

And thank you - to each and every one of you - for the encouraging words & support over the last 11 & 1/2 months. Thank you. Thank you. 

Our Beautiful Day

So some of you have heard us say we had the most beautiful day ever for our wedding ceremony... 

We both truly know Angela blessed us with that stunning day. 

There were butterflies everywhere, clouds that looked like big fluffy marshmallows backed by the bluest sky ever... the fish jumped in pairs and birds swooped down behind us.

I know, I know - you think I'm making all of this up right? 

I promise I'm not. Photos cannot do the day justice, but here are a couple anyways...

To find out more about our awesome photographer, click here.