"There ain't nothing like a memory..."

“And there ain't nothing like a memory,

When it's coming on strong like a hurricane.

How can love like that just up and walk away?

Killing me baby.

It's got me pouring up another drink,

Bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train,

With my back against the wall or on my knees,

When the worst of your memory gets the best of me.”

Last night I decided to take some time and sit out on the deck to reflect on everything. To really try and begin the process of letting go of my home and life with Andy. 

I move out Sunday. In a month we file for divorce. This chapter of my life will really be closing.

I mentally went over the moments frozen in time in my mind – dancing in the kitchen with babe, cooking dinners together & watching him grill us something delicious (or sometimes catch it on fire instead), snuggling with the pups watching movies, having drinks on the decks, enjoying campfires out back, watching from the kitchen window for him to get home from work… 

There’s been so much bad in the last five months, so much ugly, so much pain, so many awful things…that I needed to stop and remember the good. Stop and appreciate the things I loved and enjoyed so much.

My life was far from perfect, there are hard times and bad memories too but I married for love and for what I planned to be forever. I knew that times would get hard, things would get bad but that you find a way to work through it, you figure it out. And then as life goes things would get hard again at some point and you work through it then too. I feel robbed of that commitment... that life…that kind of love.

I accept I’ll never understand. I’ll never agree. I’ll never think it’s okay...

What I will do is find a way to let go. Find a way to move on in life… as scary as it may be.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Leaving My {Old} Life Behind

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my home...

The house I bought with Andy just three years ago. I talked about us putting an offer on it here, the home inspection here, getting approved here, preparing for the closing here and the day we bought it here. It was a huge moment in our lives.

In 23 days I'm going to be leaving my "kids"...

The hardest consequence of Andy's decision to leave was what to do with our dogs. I still can't stop crying about this. We got Parker the first year we were dating and when Parker needed a companion, we got Allie. Their faces are all over my blog and my Facebook, I have hundreds of photos of them and our adventures. They're the most amazing dogs in the world. The hard part was when I realized that if I were to take them they’d have to live in an apartment with no yard, spending their time in a crate whenever I was at work or out… that was just too much. I couldn’t punish them for choices made beyond their (and my own) control. In the end I decided to give them to Andy so the pups could have the yard, the house and the space they’ve grown accustomed to. It breaks my heart... I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it.

But somehow, I will find a way. 

I’ll find a way to leave behind the house we made our home, the dogs I called my kids and the husband that I love so deeply…

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

Here's to...New Adventures. To Mistakes. To Living.

In the beginning of May I started to feel happiness creeping back into my life on a more regular basis and by the middle of May I was waking up happier and stronger every day. The feeling of gaining back emotional strength and happiness after months of despair is truly indescribable.

Then the death of the most wonderful, kind-hearted, wise man I know, threw life into a tailspin - that man was my “grandfather-in-law”. His death affected many others and with the death came a number of opportunities, decisions, mistakes, answers and ultimately finality that I could never have imagined. I had a heart wrenching 7 days that the details of which could fill an entire book. On day number 7 I sat packing my bags for a trip and I couldn’t even fully comprehend everything that had happened in the prior week… much less the last 4 months. 

At that point I realized a few things the last 7 days had shown me: I’m stronger than I have ever been, I know what I deserve in life and I must give up trying to “understand” what has happened in the last 4 months. There will never be a way to understand it but I can move on knowing I found strength through this time that I never knew I could have. I’ve shown grace in trying times and done my absolute best to keep it as much as possible.

On day number 8 I grabbed my bags and joined 4 of my girlfriends for a long weekend in the Outer Banks. I cannot imagine more perfect timing for that trip. Being surrounded by truly awesome friends, eating amazing food and drinking spectacular drinks… it was just what I needed to get refreshed, refocused and ready. Ready for the adventures life has in store. Ready to see where life’s going to take me. You see, I didn’t chose this new life and I never would have, but I can find the opportunities, adventure and excitement that exist in the world I’ve been handed.

So here’s to new adventures, to mistakes and living life to the fullest… because in the end it’s the only way to really live life!

xoxo

-A

PS - As always thanks to the {absolutely} amazing people in my life that keep me going when I don’t know if I can. I know without a doubt I’ll still have days like that, but I also know I’m facing them with a new outlook, a new focus. 

Beach Getaway with the Girls! 

OBX Night Out!

The Tsunami (aka the Volcano)

Cocktail Hour at Sunset in the OBX

A Post from the Past

I found this blog I drafted back in February and never posted. It’s raw & honest and very true to the pain I’ve felt over the last 4 months…

From February:

“True Strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart.”  – Unknown 

Running has been my solace over the last 4 weeks. Yoga – where you’re forced to stop and be still – has been my arch nemesis. I’ve struggled day in and day out but I’ve still laced up my running shoes and pounded the pavement. I’ve cried through runs, struggled to breathe and fought to finish but I have kept going. Those hard runs have been just like my life these last 4 weeks…. Painful. A struggle. A fight to make it through. There have been many times I just want to quit, wave the white flag and retreat to a hiding place. I’m still trying to battle my way through life everyday… hoping that the battle one day ends and I’m back to a place I can call “normal”.. a new normal, but a normal none-the-less. 

A big thank you to everyone who has lent their shield or their sword to help me make it through the battle that is my life right now. I will never forget the strength I have been given from others to get up and keep going every day. 

Beach Bumming in March

Bikinis in March <3

In an attempt to catch you up on some of the happiness that has still managed to make it's way into my life these last 81 days I'm going to do some posts about past events! 

In March I took a much needed weekend getaway to visit Maddi. We danced the night away at the country bar, laid out in bikinis on the beach, shopped, ate amazing food, ran, stalked Pinterest.... all of our favorite things! It was exactly what I needed! 

Before the Country Bar

#sisterwife

#sisterwifelove

Freedom at the Beach (Maddi)

Tree Pose by the Sea

Prayers

Prayers for Boston Marathon runners, spectators, friends, family and anyone affected by the horrific bombings.  

Hello.. Summer?

It seems we skipped spring completely and went directly to summer. My weather app said 63 degrees this AM at 5 o'clock in the morning. WHAT?! I checked a different app just to be sure!

I didn't want to stop running this morning because for once I was running in a TANK TOP! So 6 miles turned into 8. Then I had to wear a new sundress to work because it was just too pretty not to!

I'm going to start hating how much I'm sweating but this morning, I enjoyed every second.

Bittersweet Happiness in DC

On March 16th I ran DC Rock 'n' Roll... even though I didn't want to... not one bit.

I didn't want to drive to DC. I didn't want to take the metro (for the first time ever). I didn't want to run Rock 'n' Roll. I didn't want to deal with the crappy weather (it was supposed to rain).

But I sucked it up and I did it. And guess what? I don't regret that decision one bit.

I took a half day on Friday and I met up with Maddi and her little from college (GO DUKES!) to hit the expo. It was also my dry-run (first time ever) riding the metro... I'm such a country bumpkin!

Maddi also gave me the coolest shirt ever (she's amazing)...

Yep. I absolutely love it.

Then, I headed to stay with my BFF from college (GO DUKES!) after not seeing her for FIVE YEARS. I needed days to catch up with her, but only had the night. She was amazing and treated me like royalty (best host ever!)... she even gave me HER BED!

Just the start of the amazing spread of food

Pre-Race Hydration - CHAMPAGNE! 

The next morning she even got up at 4:15am to see me off (MOST AMAZING HOST EVER!). 

Pre-Race

I met Maddi and her little pre-race and hung out (freezing) until the start. Then we were off to our different corrals and I was on my own. 

I ended up running with the pacers for the marathon (the half pacer was not running a steady pace) - my goal was to run a sub 2 hour half. I spent the first 10 miles running along with them, feeling pretty good (except for one killer hill). At 10 miles I decided to kick it in and run the next 3 miles a little harder. Mile 13 was my best mile at 7:45/average! 

I spent the entire week before and all 13.1 miles saying - if I get a sub two hour I'll be on cloud nine. I will be so happy, I will have achieved a huge goal. 

When I crossed the finish line at 1:56:28 I didn't feel any of those things. I had achieved my goal, I had come to a race I didn't feel like running and I had conquered it... but I didn't feel on cloud nine. I collected my medal, waited in line for my bag and then headed for the metro. Then I started crying. 

Yep, walking to the metro, runners and people all around, I started crying. 

It's not that I wasn't proud or happy with my time, I really was... I just couldn't fully enjoy the moment because of everything I was struggling with. It was another realization point in my "new" life. 

Post-Race Pre-Crying

I struggled with being okay with the feelings I had after the race and I eventually realized it's OK. It's okay that happy times can't be completely happy yet. I remember after Ang died it was that way, happy times weren't completely happy because something was missing/we were broken. I've felt a lot of the same pains and struggles of grief as I did when Ang died but at the end of the day I can sleep better knowing that although I lost someone I love, that person does still get to walk this earth and live life. For that, I can be thankful. I can be thankful that this loss I suffered was a personal loss not a loss for the entire world. 

Letting Go of the Familiar

It’s taken me months to sit down and write this blog. I didn't know how to write another blog post about running or my life adventures until I could first acknowledge the new path my life has taken. I’m still not sure I can, but this is me trying...

My husband left me. 

That’s not the whole story, that doesn't even begin to explain what has happened or the roller coaster I've been on, but it does state the obvious fact that my life has taken a new direction. It took me nearly two months to really accept the choices he has made (although I don’t agree with them) and start moving forward with my own life.

Last week I signed up for my first full marathon – in the midst of my life crisis, I must be crazy right? Well this marathon sign-up has been long planned and I couldn't let go of my dreams. I fought for an hour to get into the Marine Corps Marathon – along with my running buddy Patty. It was a big deal to get that confirmation screen (finally! That registration was a mess.) and realize I had just signed up for my first full marathon, despite my heart being broken and my life being in shambles.

I could not have survived the last 71 days without my family and friends. There are absolutely no words for how incredibly blessed I am. I have had more people surrounding me & supporting me than anyone could ever ask for. I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve. I am thankful to have such amazing supporters in my life every day.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”  -Raymond Lindquist

That is exactly what I am trying to do now. Letting go of the familiar (and comfortable) and starting a new journey in life. And I’ll be right here, blogging about my so called grown up life (the good and the bad). 

xoxo

-a.

FAT Chance

I recently started reading the book "Fat Chance" by Robert H. Lustig. I've only read a few chapters but I'm already marking notes in the pages! Here's some parts I find motivating/interesting/etc.:

"The overriding thesis of this book is that your fat is not your fate - provided you don't surrender."

AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. I surrendered. For a long time I figured I couldn't change anything. Don't surrender. 

And to build on that...

 "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." 

Now on to some info from the book:

• 55% of Americans are either overweight or obese... WHAT?! That's a majority! I always thought I was in the minority. 
• The health insurance industry as a majority refuses to pay for obesity services saying obesity is a behavior... "a flaw in your character". "...if they ever admit that obesity is the fault of no one person, the waters will engulf them all." 
• Part of the problem? "Everyone is for cheap food." Where's the problem you ask? Well, "cheaper food, loaded with preservatives for longer shelf life, costs you on the tail end..." We all knew the cheap, easy food could not be healthy!
• Because of the "low fat" directives the "intake of fat declined as a percentage of total calories (from 40 percent to 30 percent)." Great right? Well, we may not be consuming more fat but total calories has increased. Protein intake has remained relatively unchanged but carbohydrates increased from 40 to 55 percent. 
• We increased both starches and sugar classes of carbs but starches increased only a couple percents. Our fructose intake? Increased from 8 to 12 percent and in some cases (especially children) to 15 percent. We're eating more SUGAR, specifically fructose. 

I know the book is about beating the odds against sugar/processed food/obesity/disease so I'm looking forward to learning more about the foods I consume (especially sugar, a huge weakness of mine!). 

I'll keep you updated on what I think!