Easter

Simply put, Easter was hard.

All week I dreaded Sunday. I did not want to go to church. And let me tell you, that is not like me.

I didn't want to go and all week I couldn't really explain it. Sunday morning it smacked me in the face - this year Easter is completely different. You see every Easter of my entire life I have gone to my grandmother's in West Virginia for Easter. And every year all the Easter Baskets were hidden and we would have to search out our Easter Basket - filled with treats. Then all of my extended family gathered around the table for Easter supper. Grandma passed away on Christmas this year and I spent every single Holiday at her house my entire life... I knew this year would be very different...

But why dread Church? Well for the last few years Church means Church with Andy, Angela and Cathy. And Easter Sunday always meant Angela in a cute summer dress, smiling and talking to everyone. I just couldn't take an Easter Sunday so foreign to me... no Angela, no Grandma.

In the end, Andy told me to get in the shower and get ready. I went to church. I wish I could say that somehow it was better than I thought and the message was great.. but it wasn't. Well the message may have been but I couldn't focus... not on the message at least. I spent the enitre service trying not to cry and trying not to get up and walk down to the cemetary. Because for some reason the entire time I just wanted to walk out and go sit in the cemetary by Ang's headstone. Which is not something I normally do and I have no clue why I felt this tug to go there. Of course, I knew if I walked out then Andy would come to find me and I didn't want to cause a commotion. So instead I sat there, trying to hold back tears and watching the Brush children because they always make me smile.

At my mom's Easter Dinner there weren't any hidden Easter Baskets. There wasn't extended family around the dinner table... but there was family, great food and cute Easter presents from Mom. All for which I'm very thankful for, but it's hard when it's not the same.

This new version of Easter Tradition is foreign to me. Our new "normals" our new "traditions", they are taking a long time to get used to...