Bittersweet Happiness in DC

On March 16th I ran DC Rock 'n' Roll... even though I didn't want to... not one bit.

I didn't want to drive to DC. I didn't want to take the metro (for the first time ever). I didn't want to run Rock 'n' Roll. I didn't want to deal with the crappy weather (it was supposed to rain).

But I sucked it up and I did it. And guess what? I don't regret that decision one bit.

I took a half day on Friday and I met up with Maddi and her little from college (GO DUKES!) to hit the expo. It was also my dry-run (first time ever) riding the metro... I'm such a country bumpkin!

Maddi also gave me the coolest shirt ever (she's amazing)...

Yep. I absolutely love it.

Then, I headed to stay with my BFF from college (GO DUKES!) after not seeing her for FIVE YEARS. I needed days to catch up with her, but only had the night. She was amazing and treated me like royalty (best host ever!)... she even gave me HER BED!

Just the start of the amazing spread of food

Pre-Race Hydration - CHAMPAGNE! 

The next morning she even got up at 4:15am to see me off (MOST AMAZING HOST EVER!). 

Pre-Race

I met Maddi and her little pre-race and hung out (freezing) until the start. Then we were off to our different corrals and I was on my own. 

I ended up running with the pacers for the marathon (the half pacer was not running a steady pace) - my goal was to run a sub 2 hour half. I spent the first 10 miles running along with them, feeling pretty good (except for one killer hill). At 10 miles I decided to kick it in and run the next 3 miles a little harder. Mile 13 was my best mile at 7:45/average! 

I spent the entire week before and all 13.1 miles saying - if I get a sub two hour I'll be on cloud nine. I will be so happy, I will have achieved a huge goal. 

When I crossed the finish line at 1:56:28 I didn't feel any of those things. I had achieved my goal, I had come to a race I didn't feel like running and I had conquered it... but I didn't feel on cloud nine. I collected my medal, waited in line for my bag and then headed for the metro. Then I started crying. 

Yep, walking to the metro, runners and people all around, I started crying. 

It's not that I wasn't proud or happy with my time, I really was... I just couldn't fully enjoy the moment because of everything I was struggling with. It was another realization point in my "new" life. 

Post-Race Pre-Crying

I struggled with being okay with the feelings I had after the race and I eventually realized it's OK. It's okay that happy times can't be completely happy yet. I remember after Ang died it was that way, happy times weren't completely happy because something was missing/we were broken. I've felt a lot of the same pains and struggles of grief as I did when Ang died but at the end of the day I can sleep better knowing that although I lost someone I love, that person does still get to walk this earth and live life. For that, I can be thankful. I can be thankful that this loss I suffered was a personal loss not a loss for the entire world.